Grief is a multidimensional response to any loss. Loss is all around us–whether it’s one’s job, losing a home through foreclosure, experiencing a significant decline in health, or losing a loved one through separation, divorce or death. Grief work is the psychological process of coping with loss. It requires time, expression of feelings and caring support to transition to a new normal.
My family is grieving the death of our mother. She died two months ago at home where she wanted to be, surrounded by the love and companionship of family. Mom received expert palliative care to relieve symptoms and minimize suffering. I’ll talk more about that in future posts. She was just three weeks shy of her 90th birthday. Mom mentioned in early February that she didn’t think she’d make it to her birthday. Even though she wasn’t acutely ill at the time, I’ve learned from past experience to take such statements seriously.
She had become progressively more frail this past year; she and we knew that her life expectancy was limited. Our family members have experienced anticipatory grief off and on for some time. I personally believe that it helped me prepare for the actual experience of loss following her death. While there were tearful times with her and our family, I experienced a real sense of peace during the last five days of her life, through the funeral home visitation and her funeral. I know that much of my inner peace was related to my faith and spiritual connectedness. But I suspect that had I not experienced the feelings of anticipated loss several times before, it would have been more distressing to me, especially since I was also the primary caregiver.
It definitely is a personal journey with its own time table. As with dying (except in instances of sudden death), grief is a process rather than an event. We know that it is not something to “get over” or “put behind us.” There is no substitute for feeling the feelings. It has been said that one is never old enough to lose a mother. I tend to agree.
Meanwhile, we are adjusting to a new normal–life without her physical presence–and transitioning to a relationship in memory. We are blessed to have so many loving relatives and friends to support and encourage us.
If you have lost a loved one, I invite you to share any insights and comments from your own journey that may benefit others.
